subconscious (posted Sept 9, 2012)

yesterday (sept9), I kept thinking the whole day that I know someone who’s having a birthday. went to sleep last night and had this dream about a “grade school” crush of mine - mind you, he’s not in the same grade school as me so don’t get any ideas, hehe. and i woke up thinking it was him. i checked his fb and found out its not! haha.. but it will be a few days from now. WEIRD!! what’s funny was that in my dream, he became my boyfriend. haha! i was actually happy. i longed for that feeling of being wanted, more so being LOVED. holding hands, kissing (smack raman to sako damgo,) someone gets jealous when i was just talking with another guy. i have not had a boyfriend for almost 4 years now. that’s the longest since is started having one. i don’t know, maybe i was just too hung up over my ex for the last 7 years, i already moved on btw. maybe i was too busy with work and the nature of work i have denies me of having a normal life. most of my officemates are either married, jerks, or gay. is it really my subconscious telling me that i miss having someone special? i miss having a boyfriend, yes. maybe no guy wants to be with me because i got “fat”, my ex told me that, yeah the same guy which took me 7 years to recover, he doesn’t want to be with me because i gained weight. what an asshole. he doesn’t even know he’s the freakin reason why i was binge eating and getting drunk every chance i get. he was also too coward to tell me he did not love me anymore - if he ever did at one point or another and i highly doubt it. that guy scarred me for life! i know it should not affect me anymore  but it’s inevitable, i guess. but i choose to be happy now and im over him. i just don’t like my subconscious or dreams telling me otherwise! LOL